Oh no…

I have just had the most humbling, humiliating, horrendous dress rehearsal ever. I gave serious consideration to cancelling the whole freaking thing. I felt tight right from the beginning and that was it. My whole entire first half was off. Completely off. My larynx was almost in my nose I was so tense. Why? Oh, probably because I’ve been telling myself for the last few weeks that I’ll never be ready. I felt as if I was WANTING myself to fail tonight. Usually I shut off those voices. But this time, I actaully listened. And the result was disastrous.

At this point, it’s all mind games. I know I can sing the stuff. I know my notes. I know the words. I freaking KNOW how to sing! Then why can’t I do it? It’s very simple: confidence. I don’t have one lick of it right now. And this is the time when I need every shred I can muster. All of my fears seem to be coming to a head right now, right when I should be pushing away any and all. But thinking about it now, there’s actually two more things it boils down to: trust and faith. Trusting myself that I can do it. Having faith that I can make those two tiny pieces of cartilage in my throat do what I want them to do. I’m the boss, damnit. They’ve worked all year. Why not now?

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1 comment
  1. Phil. 4:13. I’m praying for you, and I hope your recital is wonderful. I know I’d be there if I could, and I’m sure I would enjoy every minute of it!

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