I Heart Something…

I’m back in Vancouver again. I was quite excited to get back here, but now that I’m here I want to leave. I’m homesick. What gives? Am I actually going to be able to move away from home for good one day?

Maybe that’s why I’m homesick. This past summer may well have been my last one at home. I may finally have to grow up. Finally pick something and do it. Another existential crisis…

I’m one of those people who doesn’t care about the journey. Just get me to the destination – as fast as possible, please. I think in some weird way that I’m scared of success. I’m not sure why. I just am.

I’m trying to figure out where I want to go next in music. I’ve finally realized that my disgust for “Canadian Idol” comes not just from my problem with the concept, but from being jealous of those kids. They’re up there, singing to mass audiences of people. And I’m here, singing opera to 30 people a show.

At this point, my plan is to go to New York next year. To the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. I think I’ve had it with opera. I’m going to work my tail off this year to give it one more shot. There are many things I love about it, and many things that bother me. Mostly, though, I find it hard to express myself in another language. I can know the meaning of a phrase backwards and forwards, but unless you’re a native speaker, it’s really hard to get the underlying meaning across.

So, why did I come back here if I really don’t like opera anymore? Let me rephrase: I like opera, but I don’t think it’s the thing I really want to do. I need to continue to work on my voice. Acting. Staging. All of those things can be constantly worked over and over again. Plus, you never know what doors may open…

I’m just getting restless. Lots of people I know have graduated, have jobs and have finally grown up. I want to, too. I’ve got to quit spinning my wheels.

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