Monthly Archives: October 2005

There is so much to blog today. So, let’s get right to it…

I have a new life skills client! Yeah! Her name is Brenda, and she’s just lovely. She lives independently in her own apartment, which is a bit of change of pace for me, since me last couple of clients still lived at home with their parents. She and I are going to get along quite well. I do not forsee any slapping incidents in the future!

We blocked the rest of my opera scene for school. There will be kissing. Uh oh. But since I’ve been telling myself for the last couple of weeks that this was a likely scenario, and have lived under that guise, I’m not as irked or irritated or – what’s the actual word I want to use?? – bothered (?!?!) by it. Oh – and get this: at the end of the scene Faust and Marguerite (me) are supposed to make love because in the next act, she’s pregnant – and it’s not an immaculate conception. 😉 So, at the end of our scene, we have to figure out a way for him to make it look as if he’s laying me down on a bed as if we’re about to have sex. My Mom’s coming to see this. Lucky her. And lucky me – kissing a guy in front of my own mother, and then having her watch him make suggestive advances towards me. Now isn’t that every girl’s dream??

Last night we finally celebrated my birthday. We started at our house with supper, and then moved to the Paramount on Burrard to see “Prime”. Don’t go see it. Waste of time. I’m not sure why, but I’m extremely critical of movies lately. I don’t know why. If this movie would have cut out Meryl Streep-bit, it could have been a really great movie focusing on two people who love each other, but realize that it’s not fair to each other to give each other what each needs (did you follow that?). The comedic scenes are ill-timed and inappropriate. Anyways…

Then we went karaokeeing. I was in my element. We went to this little Korean karaokee bar on the corner of Thurlow and Alberni downtown (under a Sportsmart?!?!) and got a private room. You read correctly. Karaokee in private rooms. We sat on couches and sang for two hours. In front of ourselves. I basically sang for 2 hours straight. Now, this is the way to karaokee if you have timid and shy friends. They will sing. And you don’t feel as if you’re being mean by having them sing in front of others. I would have preferred a bar with dancing and singing in front of strangers, but that’s me and I’ve been on stage for quite a few years now. For others – the experience isn’t as exhilarating. I had to do versions of “My Heart Will Go On” and “I Will Always Love You” solo. And sadly, I knew every nuance of every song. I have listened to “The Bodyguard” soundtrack since I was 10. And I’ve memorized every little slight of voice over the years. If I ever had to perform a song, it would be “I Have Nothing” by Whitney Houston from “The Bodyguard” soundtrack. It’s just such a great song. Vocally, it’s stunning. It gives me goosebumps. Anyways, we had fun. I sang Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, “Summer Nights” from the “Grease” soundtrack, “I Will Survive”, and the list goes on and on. We’re going back. I told the girls that already. “Oh give me a karaokee bar…”

And today I watched “Thelma and Louise” after Orest, Heather and I had Sunday Night Supper. It’s our new tradition to bring in the new week on a nice note. It feels like family with the three of us. Orest is Dad. Heather is Mom. And I’m the smart-aleck teenager. It’s true. I’d never watched “Thelma and Louise” before. I was looking forward to a great Brad Pitt moment, but he really doesn’t look that good in this movie. And that’s coming from me….

Well, I should head to bed. It feels like 12:30, but it’s only 11:30. You’ve got to love Daylight Savings Time. The sun set at 5:30 today. Lovely. You know, I always said Saskatchewan would accept gay marriage before Daylight Savings Time. And I was right…

Speaking of Saskatchewan, yeah the Riders are in the playoffs. Boo that Trevis Smith is apparently a criminal. It will be another long off-season in Riderville. I think the Montreal-SK playoff game will be interesting – especially since it’ll be in a dome – but I can’t see us getting past them. It’ll take a miracle. A 1980, Lake Placid Miracle on Ice type of miracle. And the Leafs – 8-0 loss ot the Sens last night? What was that about? Oh yeah. A lack of any ability to play DEFENSE! We could get away with it in the new NHL – but not now. When will be fork out money for a decent blueliner?

Okay. Now I’ve really got to get to bed. With visions of karaokee microphones dancing in my head…


I hate those days where you get up, and, although you know you have the power to change your frown upside down, you just don’t feel like it. Today was one of those days.

I knew I could have a good voice lesson. And I kind of did. But I didn’t really care. And I knew that I could sing well in masterclass, but I didn’t feel like giving it enough energy. I gave up before I even began. Not a great frame of mind for singing.

So. What did I do to get myself away from, well, myself? I went out for coffee with Heidi. Heidi is one of my friends from school, and I’m now angry at myself for not spending more time with her last year. We are so much alike, have so much in common. It’s fantastic! She’s so great to talk to. And she understand my sports fascination – to a point. 😉

After my strawberries and cream frappucino (yum…), I headed to the gym to work some of it off. Hopefully I actually did that… And then, I bought 3 pumpkins, just little ones, to carve. I’m going to go and do that as soon as this baseball game is over. Would you just win already, White Sox, so that I can get on with my life?

And that’s about it. I’ve realized that it’s two weeks until my Mom comes to visit me! And that means that it’s two weeks until opening night for our scenes…uh oh. It will all be fine, Nicole. It’ll all be fine…

So, I just spent the past hour and a half in rehearsal. And it was tiring. Who would have ever thought that acting out being in love would have been so exhausting? Hugging and staring longingly into another’s eyes? It’s really tiring. Emotionally. Trying to get to that place where you remember feeling that adoring towards someone, and then, if you’re me, pretending how it would have been if that adoration would have been reciprocated.

You see, I’ve been in love, but I’ve never had someone love me back. It’s really hard to act being in love if you sometimes wonder if you really do deserve to be loved, since it hasn’t happened for you yet. Do you follow? It’s really uncomfortable to pretend to be that vulnerable when you never have been. All of your actions are based on what you’ve seen in the movies, not “the time when such and such happened”. There’s no experience to draw on.

Anyways, that’s going a little more personal than I should have, but, oh well.

Yeah. So. Today was filled with not a whole lot. A trip to Zellers. I bought socks. And a new light bulb for my touch lamp. And then I ate lunch at home, and headed off to school where I practiced for a whole half hour (because of the 1 1/2 hour rehearsal tonight, for which I sang a good chunk of, too) and then went to gym where I spent over an hour. And have now completely voided because I’ve been eating Wheat Thins by the handful for the past half hour. Oh, well. I didn’t do the things I was supposed to do today, which is very typical for me – unfortunately.

And I spent today trying not to think about the Riders. I wrote so little about them yesterday because they just, well, forgive my French, but they pissed me off. I am on the verge of filing for divorce from this football marriage of ours. I give too much and get too little in return. And that’s been the story all my life. I’m just so sick and tired of being disappointed year after year after year. A change needs to be made. These guys don’t have the killer instinct. They don’t have the big-game personalities. Something needs to change in Riderville. We need to learn that yes, we deserve to win, just like every other team in the league. Just like I do deserve to be loved.

I would like to introduce you to one of my pigtails! The other is below. Would you believe that I have pigtails? Who would have ever though I’d be able to grow my hair this long! I’m so darn proud of myself. They’re so much fun! I now have more than one hairstyle! Woo hoo! Posted by Picasa

I went to see “Proof” today. And Jake Gyllenhaal is my new obsession. I’m so fickle. What can I say?

The movie is good. And I’m not a huge Gwyneth Paltrow fan. She does need to quit the ostrich-neck thing, though. You don’t need to stick out your neck everytime you yell at someone. It gets a little much after awhile. The movie ends a little prematurely for me, but it’s still good. Not really good. But good. I don’t know. There were moments where it just didn’t seem to be going anywhere, followed by moments of brilliance. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it wasn’t consistent enough.

What else have I done this weekend? Oh, I went over to Jill and Jay’s houes last night (more Lehmann cousins) and watched a lot of hockey and a lot of baseball (go White Sox!). Too bad the Leafs couldn’t do it and the Canucks did, though. Jill decided that we all needed to know what our Chinese astrology characters were and what they meant. I’m a dog. I’m loyal, cheer for the underdog, have irrational fears and tell little white lies to make all those around me happy. So now everyone thinks I’m lying everytime I talk to them lovely. I also learned how to play Texas Hold’Em last night. And this morning I was practicing on my computer as soon as I got up. What can I say? I get addicted quickly.

And last, and certainly least today, the Riders. What can I say? This is not the great team everybody thinks it is. It doesn’t have a go-to receiver nor a big-game quarterback. Those are givens if you’re going to win a Grey Cup. We’re not going to do it this year. Again.

Alright. I don’t have to work with my client tomorrow, or ever again for that matter. She has been reassigned to another worker. My supervisor and I aren’t sure what went wrong, but obviously something did because she never slapped any of her other life skills workers. What can I say? I’m special. So, with that in mind, I’m off to bed. Tomorrow’s task will be to find a dress for our scenes performances of “Faust”. It’s going to be a time-consuming job. Pray that I find one – soon. I don’t want to spend the next two weeks looking for a dress everyday. I wish we had a budget for costumes…

And on that note, good night!

I’ve been trying to look up a lot more lately. Both figuratively and literally. I am one of those people that can turn a lovely happening into a tragedy by focusing on the negative things. I’ve always been that way. The glass has always been half empty.

But the other day I looked up in the bus. And what did I find? An advertisement for Nokia cell phones. I’m not sure how many people would look up and see it, but I did. And I’ll never forget it. Then, a couple of days later, I found an emergency exit on the roof. Odd, I thought. But I guess if the bus flips, that’s how we’d get out. Unless it flipped onto its roof. Then we’d be screwed.

I remember someone once asking me if I looked up at the people passing me by, or at the ground when I walked. “The ground,” I said. She then psychoanalyzed me and said that meant I was insecure. I’m not sure if I’d agree. My brain is very busy while I’m walking, either daydreaming or thinking of things I have to do, things I forgot to do, things I should have done but haven’t yet (good ‘ol procrastination…), or problem-solving. It’s my thinking mode.

But today I decided to try and look up at the world while I walked. And it was hard. I felt insecure. I didn’t like not being able to see the bumpy sidewalk in front of me. I didn’t trust my balance enough to be able to keep me upright and not on my rear end. It was unnerving. So, I turned my face towards the sidewalk again. And there I felt safe.

Serendipitously enough, Orest and Heather and I had a discussion on youth tonight. Heather being 39 and Orest being 43, they shared some thoughts with me about what they wish they would have known when they were 23. One thing they said was they wish they would have known how beautiful, attractive and handsome they really were back then. It was interesting, because this morning, after I had showered, blowdried, and what not, I looked in the mirror and said to myself, out loud, “Nicole, you’re actually quite pretty.” I don’t know if I’d ever said that to myself before. I had thought it. But I’d never said it out loud. Heather and Orest then said how they felt when they finally felt “good in their own skin” when they reached their mid-twenties. And that’s how I’m starting to feel now.

I’m starting to realize that it just doesn’t matter what other people think. Right now I want to be a teacher and not sing. Or sing when I feel like it. It truly doesn’t matter what anyone says, because I have to be happy with myself. And nobody should live in a box. I lived in a singing box. I was going to be a singer. Maybe I still will be, but for the next couple of years, I want to be a teacher.

“Wondering where your life is going to go….” sings Martina McBride. I do wonder. I wonder when I’ll fall in love. I wonder when I’ll have kids. I wonder where I’ll live. What kind of house I’ll live in. What I’ll drive. Where I’ll work. But unlike a couple of months ago, I’m okay with the mystery of it. I’m much more open to the possibilites that exist. I’ve thought of myself as something other than a singer, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’m exploring other avenues, other parts of me that kind of hid behind my voice.

I’m still me, though. I’m still impatient and want to know the timing of the destination points along the way. But I’m much less impatient than I was. Even excited, at times, of all the things that could happen along the way. Hmmm. Maybe I am starting to look up instead of down…


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