I love how things are relative to other things. Take today, for example. We had a storm. I walked to and from church in said storm. Storm here equals a lot of rain (which is normal) plus some wind (which isn’t normal for here). I must say it was pretty windy today, but nothing by Saskatchewan standards. So, what connotates a storm is relative to where you live.
So, tonight was concert night #2. And I knew it wasn’t going to go as well as I wanted it to. I just knew. And it didn’t have to be that way. But sometimes I put myself in such a mental rut that I can’t get out of it. It’s very frustrating. It’s as if I fear what might happen if I actually do a good job. There is this part of me that feels as if I don’t deserve this voice I was blessed with, don’t deserve to do well, don’t deserve, well, anything. I remember a negative voice in my head right before I started to sing at last week’s masterclass. It very clearly said, “What are you doing here?”
I don’t know where this attitude came from. I only realized recently that it permeates a great deal of my life, from relationships, to future plans, to, well, what I eat and how much I let myself relax. Most of what goes on in my brain is negative self-talk. But why?
That’s the part I can’t figure out. Or maybe I won’t let myself figure it out.
Anyways, that’s a problem that’s not going to go away for awhile, so on to more positive things, like: today’s performance was much better than last week’s serious miscue. This is good. I’ve come over the hump of “next performance after a bad one”. And ended up on the good side. And on a more positive note, relative to last week’s performance, it was excellent. I found my high C (I somehow pulled it out, because I was dying by the end), had some other quite good notes, lots of great comedic timing, and the little crack I had at one point came in a spot that I usually nail. This is good, too, because it means that I aced all of the usually tricky spots.
But I still can’t sing on stage like I can in my lesson or in the practice room. Or maybe I won’t let myself. That’s the second time I’ve used that phrase in this entry. Maybe that means something in itself.
But I should go to bed and not lose any sleep over it. It went decently, I didn’t stop trying, and heck – even the Leafs won tonight. I guess it was a good night all-round – relative to last week of course…