It’s all relative…

I love how things are relative to other things. Take today, for example. We had a storm. I walked to and from church in said storm. Storm here equals a lot of rain (which is normal) plus some wind (which isn’t normal for here). I must say it was pretty windy today, but nothing by Saskatchewan standards. So, what connotates a storm is relative to where you live.

So, tonight was concert night #2. And I knew it wasn’t going to go as well as I wanted it to. I just knew. And it didn’t have to be that way. But sometimes I put myself in such a mental rut that I can’t get out of it. It’s very frustrating. It’s as if I fear what might happen if I actually do a good job. There is this part of me that feels as if I don’t deserve this voice I was blessed with, don’t deserve to do well, don’t deserve, well, anything. I remember a negative voice in my head right before I started to sing at last week’s masterclass. It very clearly said, “What are you doing here?”

I don’t know where this attitude came from. I only realized recently that it permeates a great deal of my life, from relationships, to future plans, to, well, what I eat and how much I let myself relax. Most of what goes on in my brain is negative self-talk. But why?

That’s the part I can’t figure out. Or maybe I won’t let myself figure it out.

Anyways, that’s a problem that’s not going to go away for awhile, so on to more positive things, like: today’s performance was much better than last week’s serious miscue. This is good. I’ve come over the hump of “next performance after a bad one”. And ended up on the good side. And on a more positive note, relative to last week’s performance, it was excellent. I found my high C (I somehow pulled it out, because I was dying by the end), had some other quite good notes, lots of great comedic timing, and the little crack I had at one point came in a spot that I usually nail. This is good, too, because it means that I aced all of the usually tricky spots.

But I still can’t sing on stage like I can in my lesson or in the practice room. Or maybe I won’t let myself. That’s the second time I’ve used that phrase in this entry. Maybe that means something in itself.

But I should go to bed and not lose any sleep over it. It went decently, I didn’t stop trying, and heck – even the Leafs won tonight. I guess it was a good night all-round – relative to last week of course…

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1 comment
  1. Allie said:

    So, since vague personal philosophical musings are something I’m fairly good at, I’ll take a stab at this. (Warning – my ramblings might start to sound preachy, but are more along the ‘I can sympathize and here is why’ line…) Personally… when I have gotten into situations where my brain won’t let me figure something out, it’s usually because the answer is obvious but something that I hate (like a stereotypical behaviour I don’t want to admit I do… etc.) and so denying it and being confused seems easier. Then it usually takes someone to sit me down and tell me I’m neurotic and that I don’t have to be ashamed of that thing, whatever it is. So, in case you’re like me – Nicole, you are a fantastic and unique woman. You are blessed with a wonderful personality and a fantastic instrument and you bless others when you share them with the world. By doing so, you aren’t claiming that you are better than anyone or that you are somehow perfect. Sharing your gifts doesn’t lock you into a future – you never have to do something just because you are good at it – talent should never be a burden. Sharing with other people will make you vulnerable, and that is always scary, but you are strong enough to not be in control of the responses of others. From someone who is trying to do the same thing right now – it’s ok to just let things be without having to qualify them all the time. You don’t need to deny who you are or the things you do and having an incredible performance that was better than your lessons and rehearsal wouldn’t be some sort of goal you forever had to live up to – it would just be an incredible moment where you were all you could be – and in the next moment you could be completely different if you wanted to. Ok… that’s enough self-help ramblings from me. Hopefully in spewing some thoughts I have said something that might be helpful… and if not, we live in different cities so you don’t have to feel awkward when you run into me!

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