The only place to go is up…

It’s been 3 weeks since I wrote on this here blog. Three weeks. That’s an eternity on Nicola’s Stage. You know what, I just haven’t felt like it. Haven’t been in the mood. Haven’t had the energy. A lot has been going on. The last couple of months have basically been a crash course in “What Nicole needs to fix in her life”, and it’s been a bit on the heavy side at times. More than I thought I could handle. But I’m still here, things seem a little bit brighter at this moment in time, and it’s actually warm and sunny outside. I got a sunburn yesterday.

So, what should I comment on first? Well, let’s start with what Nicole is going to do next year. I’m going to SFU. Sfoo is what I call it. Once they get my transcripts from the Academy, I’m going to be a Political Science/History student. I am very excited. Frightened that I’ll suck as a Political Science/History student, but excited nonetheless. I’ve been slowly breaking the news to everybody that I’m leaving music and never coming back. Well, I shouldn’t say never, but let’s just say that I need to learn to live my life off of the stage instead of on it. My sister told me that it needs to sink in for her a little bit. Let it sink in all you want. It’s my life. My money. My happiness.

I’ve realized that I never wanted to be in music. Unfortunately (some of you will think I’m crazy and not totally understand, and that’s okay) I had a 4 year scholarship for university and had to pick something. Music just kind of happened. I never really thought about it, never had a plan, and always enjoyed my electives way more than my actual music classes. By 3rd year I knew it was all a sham, but I continued, trooper that I am. And coming out here – well, let’s just say I was killing time. Putting off the inevitable decision to leave music. I’ve hinted at it, but then the thought of “How can you not use your talent?” came along and I felt guilty. I wasn’t strong enough at the time to say, “I can’t stand doing this everyday” (and who would have believed me – I’d done it so much), so I came out here, thinking I’d somehow still like it and make it through the next 2 years and by then I’d magically know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. And those few blissful moments on stage got me through – until now. The thought of my recital makes me want to…well, let’s just say I’d like to throw things.

It’s a funny thing, this game of life. We’re born into a world that really doesn’t give us directions. We turn 18 and are turned loose on it, with no real sense of purpose guiding us. Yes, I’m having an existential crisis. I need to watch I Heart Huckabees again, I guess. And speaking of movies, go see “Thank You for Not Smoking”. Good stuff…

I have ignored my heart and my gut instincts for the past 6 years. I’ve known it all along, but have been afraid to say it. I’ve always been the girl with the plan, the girl who supposedly knew what she wanted. You know the old adage that the people who seem to have it all together are usually the ones that have no clue on the inside? That’s me. I’ve been pretending to be this “other” person and it’s finally caught up to me. Is SFU the answer? No. But is it a step in the direction? Oh yes. We all know I’d rather talk about why Stephen Harper is going to win a majority in the next election (sorry to break it to you…) than spend one second in a practice room.

So that’s where I am. In No Man’s Land. I’ve left the Island of Music, and have started out in the Ship of Life, looking for the next island. And I’m trying to be more real. More me. I’m not exactly sure who that is. But I know she doesn’t sing opera for a living…

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2 comments
  1. Anonymous said:

    Good for you darlin! Always be you and never settle for less than the best. You’ll be amazing in anything you do and I’m proud you were brave enough to make such a change in your life. Not everyone is that courageous. So bravo!! And good luck! And I miss you.Love,Tara

  2. Good for you Nicole. Do what makes you happy!! Of course, I can’t imagine not being on stage or around the stage, but I realize its not for everyone, espeically you political types (j/j!)….. Congrats!

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