Wow. That was intense.
It’s over. My recital is over. Studying music is over. My program is over. School is done. It’s time to move on. But I’m scared.
I thought that the moment my recital was finished, I would let out a “Hallelujah!”, salute the crowd, say, “See ya!” and that would be it. I was wrong. Seems I’m wrong a lot these days…
I was sad. I was sad? I was SAD! And frightened. I’ve had to “grieve”. And now I’ve lost my safety net. What seemed like a gate that was locking me in has in a sense become this flood gate, letting out all of these emotions and fears I’ve never confronted before. Funny how that happens, huh?
I woke up this morning going, “Oh, this is all a mistake. I should go back. What am I thinking? Political science? Ottawa? Journalism? Law? I’ll never survive…”. And on and on and on went my racing mind (not a good start to a day off…). It’s amazing how strong the pull is to stay and not move on. I am scared of leaving the thing that has made me unhappy. I thought the hard part was telling everybody. Actually, it was kind of fun to see some of the jaws drop. Following through is the tough part. And I thought that part would be easy.
I continue to be in awe of how fearful I am of so many things, and how those fears have compounded. I knew I was scared of a lot, but how deep those fears are entrenched is nothing short of stunning – and not in a good way. Well, nobody’s perfect…
Now, on to other things, such as how Stephen Harper is not destroying the country the way I thought he might, how the Riders will be opening their season in 26 days, how I need to find someone to go with to the football game in 26 days, and how the Oilers make my heart sing right now.
Stephen Harper: Not a bad couple of months here, rookie PM. Softwood lumber: good move. Not lowering the flag for soldiers killed overseas: not so good. The man continues to do better with inanimate objects.
Riders: I have not been this excited for a football season in, well, ever. This is it. This is THE year – provided we find a kicker. The hyphen, and the intangible that always follows, is synonymous with Saskatchewan. It’ll be a great crop this year – if the weather holds out. It’ll be a great long weekend – if the mosquitoes don’t eat me alive. We’ll become a “have” province – if Ottawa ever gets the equalization equation right, and blah blah blah blah blah. Get my point?
Oilers: I always like the Oilers more than the Flames. And I do not say that because the Oilers are in the 3rd round and the Flames are not. I was an Oilers fan in the early 90s until my allegiance somehow shifted to the Maple Leafs. My Mom isn’t sure how that happened. And therefore I don’t know, because I followed her. It’s great to see a Canadian team in the Final Four for the fourth season (minus the lockout) in a row. And it’s nice to see the renaissance of Mike Peca, and the redemption of Oiler’s GM Kevin Lowe after the pellting he and Gretzky received after the saga that was Torino.
Tomorrow it’s back to work. Ugh. Long days are here again. It’s only 4 sleeps until the weekend…