"Erase/Replace"

All right, team (sorry – that seems to be my phrase of choice lately). I’m thoroughly enjoying the Grammy-nominated Foo Fighters CD (hence the post’s title). And, it’s time for a little reflection.

The last couple of evenings I’ve been reading past blog posts just out of curiosity. I like to do that every once in awhile to see how my writing has changed, what things I was writing about, when, etc. And tonight I was reading posts from 2006, the year of ‘the change’: music to politics, going back to school, moving back to Saskatoon from Vancouver…

What an awful year 2006 was. I now have no shame in admitting that I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety early that year. At the time I was so completely ashamed of what I was going through that I couldn’t admit it to myself, let alone my family and friends. I consider myself a fairly strong woman, so to be crippled for months with something I couldn’t fix on my own was absolutely devastating. I do have a family history of both depression and anxiety, so that, coupled with both my complete and utter inability to tell people when I’m upset and so desperately wanting to get out of music sent me into a horrible tailspin that sadly, was inevitable. Luckily I found a wonderful counsellor who helped me unravel my life, and a great doctor who helped get me back on track. It was a long, slow road back to ‘normal’ (whatever that is), but it was all for the best.

I take responsibility as to the ‘whys’ for 95% of what happened. I’m not going to get into the ins and outs of it all here, but suffice it to say that I’ve changed a lot of my thinking patterns since my Vancouver experience. Well, maybe not all of them (no one is perfect)…

I say none of this to try and gain sympathy or posture myself as some brave, but wounded, warrior. I say it because it’s context, and context is everything. That was then and this is now. And the circumstances are completely different.

I read those old posts now and can’t help but remember all of the sadness and how difficult each and every day was. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. And I’m amazed at how hard I tried to cover up my feelings, which made things even more complicated.

Then I read posts from the last year and a half. They’re so full of life and excitement. They’re much more real and genuine. And I can’t help but smile, though there are some I grimace at, wondering what the hell I was thinking. Overall, I just feel content.

Honestly, I don’t like to admit when I’m content because the little pessimist inside me begins to wonder what bad thing will pop out from around the corner to take away the contentment.

But the fact is: I am content. Are there things I’m not happy with? Sure! My waistline is thicker than it was (as I sit here eating chocolate ice cream in between paragraphs…), I’m still hopelessly single, Wallyworld isn’t that much fun lately, and I work too much. But those are things I can deal with; those are things I can change if I so choose.

I still have absolutely no idea where I’m going. I don’t know if I’ll get into law school or master’s school. But you know what? For once I’m actually enjoying the ride.

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