“A Change Is Gonna Come”

Goodness, that vocal STILL takes my breath away.

There are two types of changes in our lives: changes we choose to make and changes that are forced upon us.

Both can be devastatingly hard to deal with.

I’ve lost 60 pounds not once, but twice.  That was hard.  But I chose to change.

I’ve been anxious and depressed, illnesses which changed me whether I liked it or not.

I used to think I was averse to change, but now I realize that I like change.

Well, most of the time.

I’m not afraid to change.  I’ve change my hair a million times because it’s just hair.  It’ll grow back.  And there are always hats.

My style also changes frequently, as do my reading habits, my interests, my nail polish and a million other things.

But there’s one upcoming change that is terrifying me.

In less than two months, I will graduate from university and head into articling.

I am terrified. Scared. Frightened. Afraid.

Honestly, I’m scared sh**less.

As excited as I am to finally leave behind my life of low-paying jobs and no vehicle, I am worried that I won’t be able to hack it out in the real world.

Here’s a sample of one thought process I had this week:

So, I’ll quit work at the end of March and give myself a couple of months to rejuvenate before articling.  That sounds excellent.

But then I won’t have a lot of money to play around with.

That’s okay.  I’ve got my income tax money.  I’ll be okay.  Plus, there’s the bonus I get the week I start working.

But I need to buy a car sometime before I start working.

It’s okay.  Remember: income tax and bonus.

Right.

Then in six months my student loans will come due.  And I’ll probably be paying double the rent I am now, plus the car payments.

That’s okay.  I’ll just have to budget carefully.

What if I have another breakdown?  What if I can’t work?  Then what’ll happen? I’ll have no money, all of these bills and they’ll repossess my car, I’ll lose my job and I’ll be a Masters/Law graduate with no job and no money.  And then I won’t be able to finish my articling and I won’t be a lawyer and then what?

Wasn’t that fun?  Welcome to my brain.

At this point, my biggest fear about the impending major change in my life is that I won’t be able to handle it.  That I’m going to break down again.

Unless you’ve been through it, it’s difficult to understand how paralyzing this fear can be.  The memories are so strong, and the pain is still so fresh that sometimes it’s hard to see the good, positive things that are happening, the baby steps that are leading you back to wholeness.

Lately, I’ve been stuck in the fog.

While I am desperately ready for change, to begin my life as a certified ‘adult,’ I am also frightened that I’m going to fail.

So what do I do?

I try to remember all of the times I thought I would fail and didn’t.

I’m in the process of learning to trust myself again.  That’s the most frustrating part of depression and anxiety; they rob you of what little self-confidence you had.  Regaining that trust is a long, slow process with a lot of ups and downs.  And right now, I fear I won’t regain it in time.

Regardless, change is coming.

I hope I’m ready for it.

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