“So Hard”

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, but never published it for some reason or another.  I’m not really sure why.  So here it is.

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I do not know why, but somewhere along the way I honestly believed that life would never be as difficult as some portrayed it to be. I didn’t think I’d have the struggles I did. I thought that my life would unfold like everyone else’s. But that fallacy was likely a protection mechanism because I really didn’t think I had the inner strength to deal with life’s hard parts.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve avoided thinking about all of the change that’s about to occur in my life. It’s significant. I’m moving. I’m starting a new job, a challenging career. I’m starting over, so to speak. It’s a new beginning of sorts.

And all I can think about is the possibility of failure.

No one is harder on me than myself, but I think that’s true of all of us. We are own own worst enemies, and we tolerate abuse from ourselves that we would never, ever (I hope) take from others.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been worrying a lot. And with every worry, I can feel some of the anxiety return. And every time I feel a twinge or my heart skip a beat, I’m brought back to the fall when I couldn’t function and the fear of it all returning and ruining this new start terrifies me. I had a few days this week where I felt a bit blue and nervous, my body was a little jittery and I started berating myself, telling myself that I had damn well better get a hold of this or articling is going to be terribly long and painful.

Look, I get that other people are in far worse situations than I am. I am not dying. I am not destitute. I am simply anxious. But I shouldn’t let that diminish how I feel.

Remember: your hard is hard. For you.

I have a martyr complex. I come by it honestly. If I am not busy and sacrificing myself for someone else, I feel useless. Yet this is so selfish. I sacrifice my health to feel better about myself in service of what?

Remember: your hard is hard. For you.

I am finally starting to accept that I am an emotional person. It used to be a point of pride for me that I didn’t cry easily, that I thrived under pressure, and that I craved challenges. I now realize that I’m a bit of a drama queen, and that I feel a lot better when I don’t push my tears aside. It’s better when I let those feelings out.

Remember: your hard is hard. For you.

I admit that I have been afraid of my feelings for some time. I’ve been afraid of expressing anger and feeling emotional pain. Like a lot of us, for me, anger and sadness have always fallen under the category of ‘bad’ feelings. But feelings aren’t good or bad. They’re simply feelings. And they come and they go. They’re temporary. They change.

They’re like waves. They crest and they fall. Strong feelings can be like tidal waves, crashing on to the beach and obliterating everything in their path.

Remember: your hard is hard. For you.

I am continually amazed at how fearful I am of LIFE.

Remember: your hard is hard. For you.

We tend to compare our experiences to others, to say, “Well, at least my life isn’t as bad as hers,” or “Why does he have it so good?” Yet remember: your hard is hard. For you.

Moving and starting a new job in another city will be difficult for me considering how my life has gone over the past year. It would be abnormal if I wasn’t nervous about it, and my own recent experiences make me more so than I would probably be otherwise.

But that’s okay. It’s okay because I’m human, not superhuman. So I’m going to let the fears and worries come, but I’m going to remember that they’re normal. That it’s okay to be frightened. That these feelings will pass. That I am not alone. That I only have to take one step at a time. And that right now, this transition is my hard and it is hard. For me.